


Turned and Tabled

by Straya



Category: Tales of Zestiria
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Biting, Blow Jobs, Bondage, Captive Dezel, Clawing, Dezel Lives AU, Dubious Consent, F/M, Hellion Rose, Post-Battle in Pendrago, Rough Sex, Vaginal Sex, Very minor appearances/mentions of Sorey and the other party members
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:48:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27104491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Straya/pseuds/Straya
Summary: Following the battle in Pendrago with Lunarre and Symonne, Rose is unable to control the conflicting emotions surging up within her. Dezel's betrayal is too much to bear and she intends to punish him for prioritizing the dead over the living...
Relationships: Dezel/Rose (Tales of Zestiria)
Kudos: 5





	Turned and Tabled

**Author's Note:**

> So, right out of the gate, I want to say that this was incredibly difficult to write. It's definitely the darkest D/R fic I've attempted yet and as a result, has been one I've agonized over for several months before finally managing to finish it. Obviously, this story is not for everyone and if you have issues with sexual situations where consent is dubious and there is intent on the part of one character to cause harm during the act, please back out now and find something else more to your liking. I wrote this fic in an effort to explore potential darker avenues the game avoided (though obviously it wouldn't have contained the sex part). I also included bits in this fic that are, in my mind, fix-it fic bits that get into other areas the game didn't bother to cover well either, such as the roles the others played in how things went so very wrong.
> 
> All that said, if you've considered the above warnings, checked all the tags, and are sure you can handle this story, feel free to proceed.
> 
> Dedicated to my shipping-partner-in-crime, DualtheSol, for helping me to tackle and tame this angsty mess of a fic.

When Dezel regained consciousness, the first realization to strike him was that he was on his back at an angle, perhaps upon a table or a rock slab propped up against a wall. He was bound at the wrists with his own pendulum cords, hands above his head, another length of line attached to those bindings keeping him connected to something behind him. Blearily, he stirred the air currents a little, trying to get a better mental image of his current situation. He was naked from the waist up, his boots off and tossed carelessly aside off to the left. His jacket and shirt were beneath him, keeping him from being wholly pressed to the...stone table. Yes, that's what it was. His ankles were also bound in cord, wrapped a few times and the ends tied securely to a pair of large metal eyelets that had been bored into the stone slab so that his feet were roughly shoulder-width apart.

Vaguely, Dezel managed to pick up on how the air was moving through the space beyond his immediate location, drifting slowly around corners and down corridors, slipping between rocky cracks and passing over dust-covered floors, and around lit torches resting in their sconces against the walls. He was being held deep within some ruins somewhere. Which made sense, given the malevolence felt thicker there than it would have on the surface, out in the open air.

Dezel struggled to piece his situation together, going back over the last several hours in his mind, replaying the scenes as best he could manage. 

It had only been a week since the disastrous meeting in Pendrago with Lunarre and then Symonne. Only a week since Dezel had nearly died cleaning up the mess he had created. Only a week since Rose had nearly died alongside him, coming far too close to paying the price for his many sins.

After Rose had healed, there had been arguments. Outright shouting matches. Sorey, Mikleo, and Lailah had tried to intervene. Edna had attempted to pick apart the jumbled mess with her cool logic and come up with a solution. Even Zaveid was present, doing what he could to diffuse the situation. But ultimately Rose had been unable to parse everything and find it in herself to let go of what Dezel had done. It was too much betrayal. She felt too much. She tried to hold it in.

It was the worst mistake she could have made.

Sorey and Lailah had cut ties with her in the nick of time, breaking her Squire's pact. Malevolence took her. Turned her.

And then she had taken Dezel. Ripped him physically from the rest of the group and escaped with him, knocking him unconscious as she fled.

As he lay on the stone slab, blind eyes gazing up at the ceiling overhead, Dezel couldn't help but wonder why he was still alive. Why had Rose bothered to keep him at all? She was a hellion now and killing him or even devouring him surely would have been the more preferable options. Certainly, death was what he deserved, anyway. He had lied to her and used her. Rose had every right in the world to be furious with him, to beat him and leave him for dead at the bottom of some Lords-forsaken pit.

Then again, maybe she intended to torture him before ending him. Maybe she wanted to scream at him one last time before she ate him alive. Whatever the case might be, Dezel couldn't blame her for that. Everything was his fault, including how Rose had become a hellion. The guilt and regret made his stomach churn and his chest ache, and he could only hope that the others could find her before it was too late to purify their lost Squire.

Rose, after all, deserved another chance.

The sound of something slithering over the cold floor distracted Dezel from his jumbled mess of thoughts, causing him to lift his head a little and cautiously stir the air in the room. The hellion was a fair-sized one; a naga, one that was easily twice as long from head to tail than Dezel was tall. The air currents whispered in Dezel's ear, weaving a brief tale of shimmering, burgundy scales and wild red hair. Of purple clawed fingers and blue eyes with thin, slit pupils. 

“Rose...” Dezel breathed as the hellion drew near, his eyes closing in pain. “I'm sorry, I-”

“Shhhh!” she hissed, tail swaying like that of a cat watching a mouse. Stopping before the stone slab and her captive seraph, Rose glanced over him with a smile befitting a true predator. “I didn't bring you all this way to talk, Dezel. The time for that is long past.”

Dezel frowned, brow furrowing. “Then why am I still alive? You want your revenge for what I did, don't you? Just kill me and get it over with!”

“Oh no, I don't think so.” Still grinning gleefully at him, Rose touched one of his legs with a single finger, slowly drawing the tip of her claw down his thigh and over his knee. “That wouldn't be any fun! Besides, you owe me more than that.”

Dezel shivered as she touched him, her one finger soon joined by another as she traced teasing patterns against the fabric of his pants. Rose was slowly and carefully sidling ever closer, her coils easing her up against the bottom of the tilted rock slab.

“What...what do you want with me, then?” Dezel couldn't help but ask. The ache in his chest was shifting, being overridden by an anxious fluttering that dipped down into his stomach.

Rose didn't answer right away, instead choosing to coyly toy with the buckles on his belts and pouches, tilting her head at the way the metal jangled here and there. “That's a good question. What do I want? Revenge? A nice meal, maybe? You do smell tantalizingly _good_...”

“Rose...”

“Mmm, I like that. How you said my name just now. With a little bit of a waver in that deep voice of yours. Say it again, Dezel.”

Dezel swallowed, uncertain as to what was happening. Did she want to feast on his fear before anything else? Hear him coming apart at the seams little by little?

Rose pushed herself up, leaning against the slab alongside him, her breath warm against Dezel's skin as she placed a hand against his cheek. “Say. It. Again.”

He cringed a little beneath her touch, reacting instinctively. When he finally spoke, there was a definite tremor in his voice. “R...Rose...”

“ _Delicious_...”

Dezel opened his mouth to protest, to tell her to stop toying with him when he found he suddenly couldn't speak. Not with Rose's mouth pressed firmly to his. His eyes widened in shock, then shut tightly as she nibbled at his lower lip and pressed her serpent's tongue into his mouth. Dezel wriggled beneath her body, unable to suppress a moan as she ran her tongue over his teeth and explored his mouth, tasting him fully before withdrawing. 

“You like that, don't you?” she breathed in his ear, giving it a long lick. “You've always wanted this, haven't you?”

“Rose, I didn't want to-”

“ _Don't lie to me!_ ” she snapped, cutting him off and slapping her tail against the floor to silence him for the moment. “You've already spent far too much time doing that and I won't let you do it anymore. Don't think I didn't notice the way you trailed after me, the way you watched me, the dirty looks you gave anyone who so much as glanced at me sideways. It wasn't just because you needed me for your revenge, was it?”

Dezel's heart was thundering in his chest, threatening to pound its way up into his throat. The air around them shifted, his anxiety clear. “I...”

“Did you know that you were my favorite?” she asked, voice dangerously soft as she hung over him. “I was always the most comfortable with you. I was almost _drawn_ to you. You felt familiar. And as I noticed you watching me, I began hoping you'd have the courage to do something about it. But you never did. _You chose vengeance over me!_ ”

“I didn't want you to know, to think you needed my help to come as far as you did! To hurt you like that–“

“Would it have hurt more than this!?” Rose all but shrieked back at him, clawed hands slamming into the stone on either side of him as she pushed herself up with an enraged hiss, looming over him with her fangs bared. “You selfish bastard! Do you think for one second that I would've been so angry that I wouldn't have understood your pain? Remember that you weren't the only one who lost a loved one that day in Pendrago! I could have helped you _willingly!_ ”

At a loss for words, Dezel cringed in her shadow, fully expecting to be struck. Clawed across the chest or face, perhaps. Or maybe even battered about with that long, heavy tail. When he failed to muster up a response, Rose leaned down over him again, eyes narrowed, forked tongue flicking over her sharp teeth as she tasted the way his guilt and fear stirred the air.

“Why did I mean less to you than a fallen seraph, Dezel?” she breathed, touching one index finger to his chin to force his blind gaze upon her face. “Why did you hide your feelings from me? Am I going to have to pry them from you even now, when it's too late and there's no use hiding them any longer?”

“...do whatever you want.” The words were a barely-there whisper as Dezel closed his eyes. “It doesn't matter anymore, does it?”

“You stubborn prick.” Lips curling in a frustrated snarl, Rose slapped him across the face, claws leaving shallow streaks of red in their wake. “I'll break you and if you do a good enough job of satisfying me, I'll keep you around as my personal play-thing. You owe me that much, at least!”

The sound of rending fabric followed as Rose tore his pants open below the belts. She then broke through the leather straps with her claws, ripped the belts off and aside, and exposed him completely. Grinning at the sight of his naked length, she kissed it, then wrapped her long, wet tongue around his shaft. Dezel jolted and struggled to suppress a groan, but failed to swallow the desperate sound completely as she swirled her tongue around him.

“You really do like that, don't you, Dezel? Don't try to hide those lovely little noises from me!” 

Dezel grit his teeth and shut his eyes, unwilling to let himself enjoy anything about what was happening. This was wrong on so many levels. He deserved nothing but punishment, not pleasure. And even if he deserved the smallest iota of ecstasy, how could he enjoy it when the woman he'd failed had become a hellion? A sick feeling welled up in his chest and gut, seeping into the rest of him little by little, causing waves of nausea. Likely some of it was coming from the malevolence roiling about Rose and the cavernous room she'd claimed as a temporary lair, however, and the only thing keeping Dezel from ended up corrupted himself was the hat that sat discarded nearby. He'd bound himself to it after breaking the pact with Lailah and Sorey, and barely surviving the incident in Pendrago. Yet, as a makeshift vessel, his beloved headpiece would not last forever, especially under the current conditions.

“Did you ever dream of having me to yourself?” Rose hissed as she gave him another long lick, grinning wickedly as he shuddered beneath her touch. “Of what it might be like to be inside of me? To hold me and sleep with me at night?”

His hands clenched into fists, nails digging red crescents into his palms as he refused to answer. Dissatisfied with the lack of a response, Rose allowed one fang to graze the side of his shaft. A small whine followed, Dezel's mouth a thin, but quivering line.

Shaking with barely contained fury, Rose pushed herself up, tail slapping against the side of the stone table. “Bastard, I _will_ break you! I'll make you care more about me than anything else!”

Head swiftly lowering, she ate him up, taking his entire length up to the hilt into her mouth and throat. Dezel gasped as damp heat surrounded him, then cried out as she swallowed around him, squeezing and rolling her long tongue beneath his cock. Having finally received a decent reaction, yet far from satisfied, Rose continued to swallow and suck on him, saliva dripping down onto his groin. Dezel groaned as she quickly worked him up to full arousal, toes curling in his boots even as he struggled against the bonds holding him down.

“You're so delicious!” Rose moaned as she let him slide out of her mouth, taking a moment to wipe her lips with the back of one hand. “I want to eat you so badly, but I want to fuck you even more!”

Coils tensing behind her, Rose elevated the upper half of her body so that she could lay atop her captive seraph. Meanwhile, Dezel could do little more than watch through the air currents as a section around about where her groin would be as a human opened, flaps of scale-dappled skin parting to reveal her inner folds and entrance. As she lowered herself, pressing her heat against his shaft, shifting enough to give him a good rub, Dezel succumbed to the urge to let his eyes roll back as he shivered from head to toe. Lords, she was so _warm._ And it was impossible to miss how damn wet she had become; he could sense it on the air, her scent even as a hellion far too intoxicating.

“Tell me you want me,” she purred before kissing his cheek, a low note of menace in her tone. “Show me what that fucked up heart of yours wants so I don't have to rip it out when I'm through squeezing you for every last drop of cum...”

“I...I don't deserve...”

“ _That isn't what I want to hear!_ ”

Dezel recoiled as best he could under the shrill sound of her rage, eyes closed tightly for a moment before he let out a shaky breath. He could feel the unwelcome sting of tears at the corners of his eyes, his resolve crumbling as he realized that if he was going to do right by Rose at all before he met his end, he would have to give her what she wanted. His heart, after all, could only be given, not taken. Even if physically and forcibly separated from his body.

“...kiss me again,” he finally said quietly, chin lifting as he turned his blind gaze up at her. “Kiss me and fuck me until I don't have anything left to give.”

“You're stalling, Dezel...”

Nevertheless, Rose adjusted her position and lowered herself further, catching the head of his cock against her folds and angling him inward. She hissed with pleasure as he filled her, licking her lips before catching his mouth in a kiss. Beneath her, Dezel let out a ragged groan as she enveloped him, unable to help but savor how she squeezed him, walls hugging his cock possessively. Her mouth was good, better than he wanted to admit, and this time he pressed back against her lips and tongue with his own, seeking to feel over her fangs and take in her taste. Rose rumbled in approval and wrapped her coils about the stone table to hold herself in place so her hands could cup Dezel's cheeks, keeping him in place while she let a fang catch on his tongue and nipped at his lips, drawing beads of blood. She sucked on his tongue and lapped at his wounds, grinning appreciatively as he winced but did nothing to fight her.

Then, she began to move, rolling her body down against him to pump his cock in and out of herself, clawed hands pressed to the stone on either side of him while she purred in ecstasy. Head tipping back, fingers curling down against his bloodied palms, Dezel groaned softly, his hips bucking up a bit to meet each downward motion of Rose's scale-covered hips.

“Confess!” Rose hissed, her tongue flicking out between her long fangs. “Isn't this what you wanted, the one thing you could never have because you valued the dead more than the living? Or do you hate me now that I've become a monster?”

The air stirred as Dezel forced himself to look over her, his breath coming in quicker, shallower gasps as she ground down harder against him. He ached in a dozen different places, but nowhere so much as in his chest. “...would you even believe me if I told you the truth? I kept so much from you, I wouldn't blame you if you thought me a liar, now.”

“Would you lie to me to save your own life?” Her tone was mocking. He knew he deserved no less.

“No...” he breathed out weakly after a moment. “My life isn't worth saving.”

“Godsdammit, you _STUPID BASTARD!_ ”

Suddenly unable to spare any more patience, Rose slashed through the lines binding Dezel's wrists, leaving bloody streaks in her wake. As his tired, near bloodless arms flopped down, she struck with true serpent-like speed, burying her fangs in the flesh between his neck and shoulder. Too fatigued to force his agony down, Dezel cried out but did nothing to fight back. Latched to his flesh, Rose snarled and gasped, refusing to let go...yet after a few moments those gasps turned to frustrated whines.

“I hate you,” she hissed once she finally released him, mouth painted in crimson. Shivering from head to tail, she swallowed a deep sob and spit on his chest, the mix of blood and saliva running down between their sweat-damp bodies. “I hate you so damn much! You didn't value me, you didn't value yourself, YOU DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE LIVING! Why didn't you trust me? Why didn't you _talk to me!?_ You nearly got us both killed for your fucking agenda and even now, you still want to play this game of acting like you're nothing!? In the end, you couldn't even give me the slightest bit of satisfaction! I hate you... _I HATE YOU!_ ”

As tears of rage began to drip down the sides of Rose's face, the cavern swirled with building malevolence. Beaten and bloody on the stone table, Dezel could feel his own tears overwhelming him, streaming down his cheeks as the pain in his chest finally became more than he could bear. He lay like a limp rag doll as Rose finished her business with him, driven by anger and hate more than anything as her coils tightened around the stone slab, her movements erratic as she tried to force an orgasm out of their joined bodies. When she finally came, walls spasming around his length, Dezel jolted and tipped his hips up, expression awash with pain, filling her with as much heat as his exhausted body could muster. Rose gasped in response, squeezing him for all he was worth, exhaling shakily once he ceased to throb up inside her.

But it was a conclusion without gratification.

Hanging over him, Rose continued to cry, though her anger was rapidly giving way to real sorrow in the wake of her own climax. Face twisting with internal pain she could not process nor contain, she struggled to seize the seraph beneath her by the throat, intending to throttle the life out of him. But her hand shook as she took hold of him, her grip weak and her resolve slipping.

“Just tell me why, Dezel... Just tell me why I didn't matter as anything more than a vessel and a tool to you. Is it because you hate humans? Is it because I didn't live up to Brad's legacy? Is it because I couldn't see or hear you, because I let fear and ignorance cloud my sight?” Voice wavering into little more than a whimpering whisper, Rose slowly collapsed down onto her captive. She wept against him, a bared and broken soul beyond the monstrous husk that had overtaken her mind and body. “Why wasn't I good enough for you to care about? Why did you have to betray me and ruin everything!?”

As Dezel lay on the stone slab, blind eyes gazing blankly up at the rocky ceiling, he knew this was where he was going to die. Even if Rose didn't end his life, likely malevolence would take him and he would vanish far into its deepest depths, transforming into a wyvern or even a dragon. He would be lost and useless to his own kind, to humanity, and Sorey and the others would have to add him to their kill list along with Edna's brother.

But did he really deserve anything more than that? Death, at least, would be a release from his own cursed existence. And if Sorey could eventually find and purify Rose, she would be free from him, as well.

“There is no one answer,” he finally said quietly, managing just enough strength to lift a hand on and rest it gently on the back of Rose's head. “And does it even matter? I'm a failure of a seraph and a guardian. The truth is that I did love you...and I still do. But I didn't love you more than I craved revenge. It was a mistake, the biggest mistake I've ever made among so many others. I should have told you. I should have trusted you.”

Laying against him, Rose continued to cry, her anguish causing the malevolence around them to draw inward, intensifying. It was getting difficult to breathe and Dezel knew that it wouldn't be much longer until his makeshift vessel failed. 

“I should kill you for what you've done to me,” Rose breathed weakly as she finally sat up, one hand moving to cup his red-stained cheek. “But I don't want to. I want to keep you. I want to hear you tell me you love me over and over again. It hurts so damn much, but it's better than the agony of malevolence...”

“Then keep me. Turn me if you want. I'll stay with you as I always have, Rose.” Though his smile wavered and his own tears continued to flow, Dezel meant every word and he hoped she knew it. “I'll tell you every day until I can't speak anymore.”

She smiled and, for just a moment, the dark visage that hid the true Rose away beneath layers of malevolence cracked. Some part of her was truly still there, struggling beneath the surface. Leaning down, she kissed him, her touch lighter and more heartfelt than before. Weakly, Dezel wrapped his arms around her and held her close. He was dizzy from the loss of blood and the beatings, from the press of darkness against his weakening pact with his vessel, but he knew he had to stay conscious for a few minutes more. To take in this last moment before he was released from his cursed existence as a seraph and turned into something far more suitable for such a wretched being. To let Rose know for certain that she had his heart now and after, now and _forever._ And that he would never betray her ever again.

But before either of them could speak again, footfalls echoed from the nearby hallway. Rose turned with a hiss, the darkness reclaiming her as she lifted herself from Dezel and slithered back down onto the floor. Voices followed, familiar ones, and Dezel blearily realized that help had arrived. But was it too late...?

“Rose! Dezel!” The voice that called out belonged to Sorey. “We're here to save you!”

“I don't _need_ saving and neither does he!” Rising up to her full height, balanced on her long coils, Rose faced the Shepherd and his seraphim with all the fury of a hellion scorned, fangs bared and eyes narrowed. “But thanks for saving me the trouble of hunting you all down later! You all lied to me just as much as Dezel did and for that, _I'LL KILL YOU!_ ”

The air recoiled in a gusty backdraft as Rose rushed toward Sorey where he stood with his sword at the ready, backed by Lailah, Mikleo, and Edna. Dezel found himself trying to cry out, needing them all to know that it was more important that they save her than him, but his voice was little more than a desperate rasp over the sounds of battle. 

Then hands were upon him, a small blade severing the cords that still bound his ankles to the stone slab.

“Yeesh, she sure did a number on you didn't she, Dezel?”

_Zaveid._

“D...don't,” Dezel managed weakly, his ability to move and read the air currents starting to fail. “Help the others, save Rose...”

“Oh no, this is between her and them,” Zaveid said as he began pulling Dezel upright. “They got scores to settle with each other and I've got nothing to do with that. My role in all this is gettin' you outta here since I did such a shoddy job of stopping you in Pendrago.”

“What are you...talking about...?”

“For now, let's just say this isn't the first time I've pulled your ass outta the fire, kid, and I should've told you that earlier. Might've stopped you from bein' so damn reckless.”

Dezel's mind was reeling as he slipped in and out of consciousness. So many questions, no time to ask any of them. “Let me get back...to my vessel... Safe there, you help Sorey save her...”

“Nuh-uh. Not when your temporary vessel is so close to failing in all this malevolence. Like I said, I'm gettin' you outta here. Just have a little faith in Sheps in the meantime, huh? Lailah will help him know what to do.”

As Zaveid placed Dezel's hat back on his head, the world slipped away. The sounds of conflict, the musty swirling air, the taste of his own blood on his lips and tongue, all falling away. The last motion Dezel registered was Zaveid hauling him into his arms before they rushed out and into the hallway on the wind.

Then darkness overtook him and some part of Dezel hoped it would never let him go.

* * *

The next handful of days passed in a bleary sort of haze for Dezel. When he awoke outside the ruins after being rescued by Zaveid, he was only conscious long enough to have some water and a gel forced on him before he was finally allowed to retreat into his vessel. He slept for nearly an entire day after that, fitfully slipping in and out of nightmare infested dreams before he finally felt stable enough to leave his vessel again. By then, the group had made it back to the nearest town and checked into an inn. They contacted a local doctor to oversee Rose's recovery despite the number of healing artes Mikleo used on her following her purification at the ruins. She remained unconscious, weak, and pale after the whole ordeal.

Dezel remained at her side, seated in a chair beside her bed while the group as a whole waited for her to wake up again. He ate very little, only enough to keep up his strength on watch, and refused to do much about re-manifesting most of his lost and damaged clothing; he lacked the strength to replace and mend much of it, not to mention the will, and only did enough keep himself decent in the company of others by mending his pants and belts. All his wounds healed well enough, except for the bite to his shoulder, which struggled against both gels and healing artes, apparently determined to stick around for as long as possible. Lailah bandaged it up as best she was able, hypothesizing that it was perhaps venom from Rose's hellion form that was preventing it from healing easily. It was likely Dezel would end up with a scar there, but the thought barely registered with him.

All the mattered – the _only_ thing that mattered – was Rose opening her eyes again. Living again. Being her human self again.

“Hey, everyone's sittin' down for dinner in the tavern part of the inn,” Zaveid announced as he appeared in the room after slipping in on the wind beneath the door. “You wanna let me take watch for a bit and go get some food or what?”

“No.” The response required no thought at all. Dezel didn't even bother to turn his head in the other wind seraph's direction. “I want to be here when she wakes up.”

Zaveid sighed and shook his head. “You know you're not gonna be good for all this much longer if you don't eat more. Granted we don't usually need it, but you took a real beating. You're still recovering yourself.”

“My well-being isn't really your business.”

“Maybe not so much anymore, but I meant what I said a few days ago. You deserved more than my lousy efforts to save your ass and I'm not about to watch you crash and burn now.”

Dezel finally glanced up, eyes narrowing behind his bangs. “And just what the hell is that supposed to mean? Are you finally gonna explain yourself or not?”

Zaveid rubbed the back of his neck and grunted quietly before shaking his head. “Look, now's probably not the time to get down into all the nitty-gritty bits and pieces, but among all the details you've apparently forgotten over time? I'm one of them. Saved you from a rampaging hellion when you weren't much more than a snot-nosed brat with a tendency to bite when riled. Thinkin' back on that made me wanna get in your way when you had it out for that Symonne chick, but I obviously didn't do a good enough job.”

“Yeah? No shit!” Suddenly on his feet, bristling with energy that he knew was only flowing through him due to a sudden surge of anger, Dezel closed the gap between himself and Zaveid before giving the other seraph a shove backward. “Why the hell didn't you say anything!? _All_ of this could've been prevented otherwise!”

“Hey now! Don't you dare jump to conclusions on what may or may not have happened,” Zaveid warned as he stagger-stepped back and regained his balance, his own eyes narrowing into amber slits. “Me tellin' you the truth might've been enough to stop you from tangling with Symonne, but it's got nothing to do with the mess between you and the little lady over there. Besides, we all got our own so-called 'good reasons' for not spilling the truth, don't we, Dez?”

Dezel huffed out a frustrated sigh through his nose before letting his fists unclench. As much as he hated to admit it, Zaveid was right. They had both selfishly held onto the belief that remaining silent was the lesser evil for one reason or another. And in both their cases, it had led to disaster.

“Yeah, whatever. We'll take about this more later. I don't have the energy and patience for it right now.” Walking back to his chair, Dezel sat down heavily.

“Look, what are you even going to say to her when she wakes up?” Zaveid asked. “Do you even know what you want to do at this point?”

“You're assuming I have any say in what happens to me, now. It's not up to me if I stay or not. And quite frankly it would be best if I didn't.”

“Even if that is a decision left more up to Rose and Sorey than it is to you, what do _you_ want to do?”

“I don't know, alright?!” His outburst louder than he intended, Dezel sighed again and ran one hand back through his hair, trying to force himself to calm down. “So much of what I wanted caused nothing but trouble and pain. It can't be that way anymore.”

“So don't let it be that way,” Zaveid said with a shrug. “C'mon, man. Maybe  
it's not entirely your choice if you stick around or not, but that shouldn't stop you from wanting to make things right.”

“It shouldn't, but...” Trailing off, Dezel dropped his blind gaze down to his boots, suddenly feeling as tired as he did when he woke up outside the ruins a few days before. “I...I don't know how to make this right.”

“Well, maybe you don't need to know. Maybe you just need to listen to what Rose has to say when she wakes up and gets her head straight again. Get that far, then go from there.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Silence hung over the room a moment, awkward and heavy, neither seraph knowing quite what to say next. Both of them burdened with far too much to consider. Then the sound of Zaveid's boots against the floorboards filled the void, the elder seraph setting a hand on Dezel's shoulder, causing him to flinch a little.

“Hey, just don't keep making the same mistakes over and over again, alright? And don't make the same mistakes I did, either. Put yourself out there for her, if you really care that much.” Lifting his hand, Zaveid turned to head for the door. “Meantime, we'll save you some food and bring it up later.”

“Hey, so wait,” Dezel said suddenly, glancing up, “So what are _you_ going to do, anyway?”

“Dunno, guess that partially depends on whether you stay or go,” Zaveid replied without glancing back. “Sheps is gonna need a wind seraph one way or another, and I got a score of my own to settle regarding all this business with Maotelus. We'll figure it out later once Rose is awake.”

Then he was gone, slipping out beneath the door on the wind, the same as he arrived. Dezel gazed after him a moment, uncertainty weighing on him more than ever. Scrubbing his face with his hands as though attempting to clear his mind, Dezel sat back and tried for the hundredth or so time to think through what he was going to say when Rose finally regained consciousness.

He didn't have long to consider his options this time, however, as a few minutes later there was a sound from the nearby bed – a soft, barely-there whimper.

Dezel sat bolt upright, immediately but carefully stirring the air around the bed to find that Rose has opened her eyes if just the slightest bit. She lay on her back, tucked almost completely beneath the covers, the blankets drawn up to her chin. Still pale with dark circles beneath her eyes, she gazed ahead of her for several moments as though not entirely sure of where she was or what she was seeing. In all likelihood, she was trying to place her location. Gather her thoughts. Think back to what she last recalled happening to her. Dezel remained tense and silent in the meantime, throat tightening as he waited for her to do something – anything – other than stare at the opposite wall.

Then her expression contorted into one of pain and she started to cry.

The tight feeling in Dezel's throat suddenly sank into his chest, making his rib cage feel as though it was going to collapse in over his heart. Everything he had considered saying in this exact moment failed to materialize into something coherent in his mind, ending up as nothing more than a confused, pained jumble of feelings he couldn't seem to untangle. But he had to say and do _something._ He couldn't just sit there, a mere audience to the suffering he helped cause.

“R-Rose...?” It was with a great deal of trepidation that Dezel finally spoke, sitting forward in his chair, one hand reaching tentatively toward her but stopping shy of contact. “Rose, you're safe now. Sorey... He and the others managed to purify you.”

The sound that came out of her as she jerked back and away from him was like a knife through the center of his chest. Regardless, Dezel knew he had earned that reaction. Clutching at the sheets, Rose curled up on the far side of the bed, sobbing miserably, trembling from head to toe.

“No! No, why did they do that?!” she cried, barely able to get the words out between deep, shuddering sobs. “I didn't deserve to be saved! After everything I did... Why didn't they just kill me!?”

“Rose, stop! You became a hellion because of me, because of what I did!” It was more than Dezel could stand. Terrified that malevolence might again seize her on the spot, he stood up and leaned over the bed, taking one of her hands in his own. “Look at me, Rose! What happened wasn't your fault!”

His touch quickly resulted in further panic on her part, Rose wrenching away from him so hard she nearly fell out of bed. As he pulled back, afraid of causing her further harm, she curled more tightly under the covers, shaking and refusing to look at him. 

“Don't touch me! I...I don't know that I can stand it! Regardless of what you did, I still made the decision to take you, to do those things to you! That you hurt me doesn't make all of that right!”

“It doesn't, but I still can't blame you!” Feeling his eyes starting to well up with tears of their own, Dezel stood by helplessly, unable to do more than watch Rose cower beneath the sheets. The urge to take her into his arms was strong, to find a way to shield her from pain, but he knew it would do more harm than good. _He_ was the source of her pain, after all. The time for him to act as her guardian and her shield from agony had long since passed. “Rose, please, listen to me... I meant everything I said back in the ruins. And I'm so sorry for everything that I did, for all the times I failed you. You were right when you said I let the dead be more important to me than the living. No one should have been as important to me as _you_ , but...I...I didn't let it be that way. I lied to you, kept things from you, used you... All for something I couldn't let go of. Please don't let yourself get pulled into that same trap!”

She looked up at him, blue eyes wet with tears as she continued to cry. Though Dezel struggled to read her expression, he couldn't help but notice what he thought might be a twinge of longing. Perhaps for some kind of reassurance. Or maybe it was just longing for the kind of darkness that would make all the conflicting emotions and uncertainty and pain go away.

“I...I don't know that I can shrug off the blame because I let myself drown in my own emotions,” she finally managed after a long moment, eyes closing tightly. “I let it get that far. And...I'd be lying to myself if I said I didn't know how you feel now. And that I...I didn't...”

She trailed off, shuddering violently. Dezel waited for her to continue, fighting the urge to move closer to her. Yet, when she said nothing, he couldn't help but press for her to continue. “You didn't...what?”

Rose looked away from him, drawing a deep and shaky breath. “I...I can't say it. It makes me feel so dirty. Like my skin is crawling with filth and I'll never be able to wash it all off!”

“Rose, please, if you hold it all in again–”

“I know, _I know!_ But I don't know how letting it all out is going to help, either!”

“It might not,” Dezel found himself forced to admit with a tired sigh, “but it's better than nothing. Better than risking your humanity again.”

“But that's just it,” she whimpered, pressing the heels of her palms to her eyes as her tears started anew. “Thinking this way, I don't know that I ever got it back when Sorey purified me!”

At a loss as to what to do, what action he could possibly take to help her, Dezel finally sat down in the chair again, elbows resting on his knees. He wrung his hands in anxious concern, angry with himself as to how far all this had gone on his selfish account. Tears dripped from his jaw, falling to the floor as he wept silently for their awful shared predicament that never should have been.

“If it helps,” he finally said with a wavering voice, “I'll leave as soon as I can. If me being here reminds you of everything that happened, I'll go. I can't stand the thought of you turning again, especially because of me. I don't deserve a second chance, but you do. Just...tell me if you want me to go and I will.”

“But I don't want that!” Rose swallowed another sob and huddled further beneath the blankets. “I just wanted answers... I just wanted you to try to make things right somehow! If you go, you can't. And I...I won't be able to make things right with you, either!”

“There isn't anything you need to make right with me, Rose.”

“But there is! Why can't you see that!?” Her volume was escalating and she paused, struggling to keep it down even though her breathing was staggered. “I... I hate myself for what I did to you. For what I made you do. And because...because I didn't hate it at the time...”

Her last few words were barely there, Rose's voice dropping off so suddenly as though she could barely force them out at all. So...that was it. What she couldn't confess before, only just now managing to lay on the table. 

“Of course you didn't at the time! You were a hellion!” It seemed so obvious to him, even if not as an excuse, as an understandable reason.

“But even now, part of me still likes the way it felt! Feeling you under me...and in me... Even though I forced you into it all!”

Dezel's eyes widened. At a loss for words, he could only sit and stare at Rose as she struggled to wipe away her continuous flow of tears without much success. 

“You see what I mean now?” Her tone was bitter. Hateful, even. “How am I supposed to reconcile that...? _How?_ Even you didn't like using me like a puppet, did you? You did it for your revenge!”

“It was, but...” It was all he could manage at the moment, Dezel clenching his fists tightly where he sat. Mouth a thin line, he tried to swallow the too large lump in his throat. He had to be honest with her, even if it hurt. Even if it made the gap between them even wider and harder to bridge. “I...would be lying if I said there was a part of it I didn't enjoy, even a little.”

That was enough to get Rose to glance up at him again, eyes wide in disbelief. “Wh-what?”

Dezel licked his lips, anxious to his very core. If this admission caused things to go even further south, Rose might turn again and if she did, it might be far too difficult to change her back. “Being in control of your body for short periods... It let me do things I couldn't on my own. Like talking with the other Sparrowfeathers. It let me see again through your eyes. I know it's a terrible excuse to heap on top of everything else, but it...it was nice to feel like I existed as part of the group, even if none of them realized what was happening.”

“But that's not the same as me liking what I did to you! It's–“

“Maybe not, but that doesn't mean I didn't like it, either!”

Rose was staring at him again. Without realizing it, Dezel had regained his feet, his clenched fists at his sides. 

“It was wrong of you to intend to force anything on me, just as it was wrong of me to use you as I did, but if you had asked me...” He paused, throat so tight it hurt to speak. When he continued, his voice was lower, tone more somber. “If you had asked me I would have let you, anyway. Even when you became a hellion, I felt something for you. And I never fought you or begged you to stop, did I?”

Rose hesitated briefly, then shook her head a little. When she struggled to get any words out, Dezel pressed onward, trying not to stumble his own.

“You said that if I had told you about everything sooner, you would've wanted to help me. Well, I'm telling you now that if you had wanted my body, I would've given it to you!”

“But it was never so much about your body, dammit!” Finally able to find words of her own, Rose sat up, clenching the edge of the blanket in both hands so hard her knuckles were white. “It was about you betraying me! I thought you actually cared and then...then you nearly got us both killed over something you hid from me! It was why I did what I did at the ruins. Because I wanted to know what you really felt!”

“Rose...”

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry!” She shook her head and tried again to wipe the tear streaks from her cheeks. “I just... I'm so confused right now. I haven't felt so unsure about what to do since Brad died, and I...”

He couldn't stand it any longer. Pulling off his boots, Dezel climbed up onto the bed beside her and took one of her hands in his, holding it firmly despite the way it trembled in his own. For a moment, it seemed she might pull away, but then she was struggling not to completely break down again, swallowing so many sobs that she began hiccuping.

“Listen to me, Rose. You don't have to do anything immediately. You're still recovering. You've got time to work this out and if you don't want me going anywhere so I can help you and make things up to you, then this is where I'll stay. I promise.” Pausing, he set his other hand over hers to steady it. “I meant what I said a few days ago. You've always been important to me and not placing you ahead of my agenda was the biggest mistake I've ever made. So I can't say I hated being intimate with you, even when you were a hellion.”

Hesitantly, she brought her other hand up to cover one of his as well, her gaze fixed on where their hands joined. She swallowed hard, trying not to completely succumb to her hiccups, her mouth a thin, wavering line. When she spoke again, her voice was a barely audible whisper. “Even then, I guess that all depends on what Sorey and the others want to do. I wouldn't blame them at this point if they wanted me to leave. I was supposed to be pure of heart and ended up tainted, anyway.”

“They'd be fools to send you away. And even if they do, I'll go with you, wherever you go. Ultimately, I'm _your_ seraph, no one else's.”

Despite her tears, Rose managed a small, if choked up laugh. “You're really taking this seriously, huh? You don't have to go that far if you don't want to. I think I'd be alright with just you staying with me. I don't want to force you into anything. Not again.”

“You wouldn't be, Rose, because...I really did mean everything I said at the ruins. And because you were right about all the times I'd thought about what it would be like to be with you.” Lifting their joined hands, he placed a soft kiss over her knuckles. “I love you and everything that I am is yours. I regret not telling you sooner. And not focusing on you instead of what I had lost, even if you didn't and still don't feel the same. Even if it meant you'd be angry with me.”

Rose stifled another hiccup and then managed a tiny if broken laugh. Though her hands continued to tremble in his, she gripped him a little tighter as a hint of a smile tugged at her lips. “I have to admit I'm struggling to know exactly what I feel right now, given everything we both did, but I know you're not a bad person. We're a lot alike, I think, and...gods, you are so stupidly handsome.”

A compliment was the last thing Dezel expected and his expression showed as much, his eyes widening a little while his face flushed pink. “I...I have to admit I don't know what to say to that.”

Another small, watery laugh. Rose took her hands back to wipe her face again, this time using the edge of the sheets. “Then maybe don't say anything and just stay here with me? I'm still so tired and your hands are so warm.”

“Yeah, sure. Of course.”

As Dezel eased back the covers to get beneath them, sliding down against the mattress alongside Rose, she gently touched the bandages covering the wound between his neck and shoulder. “That doesn't hurt too much, does it...?”

“A little now and then. Lailah says hellion venom is keeping it from healing easily and that it may leave a scar.”

“I'm sorry...”

“It's alright. It's nothing compared to what I would have felt if you had been lost.”

“You're going to make me start crying again, you big jerk.”

Dezel chuckled softly. “I'm just being truthful like you want me to be.”

Though she was still weak, Rose managed to push herself up enough to place a kiss against the bandages before easing back down alongside Dezel. She snuggled up against him, pressed to his front with her forehead against his bare chest, head tucked beneath his chin. Curled up with him, her hiccups subsided. When she spoke again, her voice was quiet and solemn. “I do like this too, you know. This... It feels safer than I thought it would. I'm just sorry I don't have the same words for you, yet.”

“Don't be. And even if you never do, I can live with that.”

“Thanks, Dezel. I just...right now I just want to be safe with you and know that I'm right to feel that way.”

“Then I'll work my hardest to make that a reality.” Putting an arm around her, he rubbed gently at her back. “Now rest a little more. The others will be back later with some dinner.”

Despite her exhaustion, it did take Rose a few minutes to fall asleep. Likely her mind was too entangled in thoughts, all of them coming and going and demanding attention at once. But eventually, her eyes slipped shut completely and her breathing slowed, her body relaxing against his. Dezel remained awake longer, his own mind occupied with thoughts of what was yet to come. Of what Sorey and the others would decide. Of what the future held for him and for Rose.

Regardless, however, he knew that whatever happened – whether they stayed or whether they left – they would remain together. And that was enough for him. After all, he felt he had never deserved a second chance. Now that he had been granted one, he vowed not to squander it.

He would love, cherish, and protect Rose until the day she was meant to pass on. Even if she never loved him quite the way he loved her. 

It was enough being by her side. Watching and helping her in her work. Hearing the sound of her voice. Feeling her breath upon the air. 

Tipping his chin down, he kissed the top of her head.

 _It was enough._ And he was happy for it.


End file.
